Christmas Day. Covered with snow. Deeply buried in my heart.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Movement
Tonight I felt Phoebe's sister move inside of me. My heart did another leap as I realized the hope for what is to come. I had a little "scare" this morning as I awoke. I settled the kids who woke before the sun, and crawled back into bed for a few more minutes of rest. I realized I hadn't felt the baby. My thoughts turned immediatetly to several different flashbacks of memories that are sometimes to painful to remember.
I instantly turned my thoughts heavenward and pleaded to feel her move. I told myself over and over to remain calm. I was lying on my left side, so I cradled my hand at the base and waited. And prayed. And waited. Within a minute or so, I felt a little tickle, almost as if she was holding my hand on the other side. She tickled a little more, and then gave a nice wallop, probably a foot, on the opposite end. Movement is everything.
Another plea answered.
There has been a lot of pleading going on in our home to our Father above lately. Sweet 3, 5, 6, 8, and 10 year old prayers, each in their own way, beseeching for those things that weigh heavy on their sweet little hearts.
As they plead to the Father of their spirits, I am witnessing a movement in their faith. As they realize that every prayer they make, Heavenly Father has answered. Oh, to have the faith like theirs. I want to have the "faith like the galaxy" as one of my sons put it the other day when they pray with all their hearts, you know why? Because those prayers of theirs was answered.
Movement for me is more than a physical reminder that this life inside of me is hope for things to come, it is the realization that we are either moving towards something or away. I feel the movement of things in our life that is pushing us to new growth. A time that will ultimately make our family stronger to withstand the winds that blow and the storms that will pound upon us. A trust that all will work out for our good.
As I lay watching my round, moving stomach tonight, I am thankful for the reminder. Life is precious. Don't take it for granted. And trust the process.
I instantly turned my thoughts heavenward and pleaded to feel her move. I told myself over and over to remain calm. I was lying on my left side, so I cradled my hand at the base and waited. And prayed. And waited. Within a minute or so, I felt a little tickle, almost as if she was holding my hand on the other side. She tickled a little more, and then gave a nice wallop, probably a foot, on the opposite end. Movement is everything.
Another plea answered.
There has been a lot of pleading going on in our home to our Father above lately. Sweet 3, 5, 6, 8, and 10 year old prayers, each in their own way, beseeching for those things that weigh heavy on their sweet little hearts.
As they plead to the Father of their spirits, I am witnessing a movement in their faith. As they realize that every prayer they make, Heavenly Father has answered. Oh, to have the faith like theirs. I want to have the "faith like the galaxy" as one of my sons put it the other day when they pray with all their hearts, you know why? Because those prayers of theirs was answered.
Movement for me is more than a physical reminder that this life inside of me is hope for things to come, it is the realization that we are either moving towards something or away. I feel the movement of things in our life that is pushing us to new growth. A time that will ultimately make our family stronger to withstand the winds that blow and the storms that will pound upon us. A trust that all will work out for our good.
As I lay watching my round, moving stomach tonight, I am thankful for the reminder. Life is precious. Don't take it for granted. And trust the process.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Partners?
My pregnancy with Phoebe didn't seem all that different than the one before. Early contractions started around 27 weeks, a couple of weeks sooner than the others had started, but other than that, everything seemed okay. I was determined to be the super woman mom and wife despite the setback of contractions. I did not want to make any "walks of shame" away from the hospital when they send you home saying "drink more, and get rest".... I still exercised and even hosted Thanksgiving with over 20 people.
I made a walk, not necessarily a walk of shame, but a walk in complete bewilderment. Could I have done anything different to have changed the outcome? Could I have slowed down or come in to the doctor more? I have had enough witnesses to let me know that she was not mine to have in this life.
And yet here I am, 27 weeks pregnant with her sister, and have already been to the hospital once. Contractions started at 25 weeks this time. This was my greatest fear when thinking about having another little one. Are these little girls partners in trying to make me stronger? Stronger in faith that there is a Father in control? Stronger in the resolve to do all I can to hold a breathing baby again?
Are they partners in heaven constantly watching over our struggling family, planning on how one will be helping on the other side of the veil while the other helps on the other? Heaven knows I need all the help I can get!
One step at a time....
I made a walk, not necessarily a walk of shame, but a walk in complete bewilderment. Could I have done anything different to have changed the outcome? Could I have slowed down or come in to the doctor more? I have had enough witnesses to let me know that she was not mine to have in this life.
And yet here I am, 27 weeks pregnant with her sister, and have already been to the hospital once. Contractions started at 25 weeks this time. This was my greatest fear when thinking about having another little one. Are these little girls partners in trying to make me stronger? Stronger in faith that there is a Father in control? Stronger in the resolve to do all I can to hold a breathing baby again?
Are they partners in heaven constantly watching over our struggling family, planning on how one will be helping on the other side of the veil while the other helps on the other? Heaven knows I need all the help I can get!
One step at a time....
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Impossible
I was thinking this morning about the last time I would ever hold my daughter in this life. I was alone in a room, where in earthly standards would probably be labeled as "creepy". But the first time I went into this room that had a little bassinet, a flower behind her, there was such an amazing spirit in that room. Never mind that we were in the mortuary.
As I held her surrounded by my sisters and took pictures that would bring so much comfort later, I marveled at the blessing it was to see and hold her again. As the day progressed, my children came, we took family pictures, held each other and cried, and then my husband requested to hold her alone. The thought had never crossed my mind. He had his tender moments, and then it was my turn.
As I marveled, cried, ached, and missed the daughter that was still in my arms. I was facing the impossible again. I needed to say goodbye. I had already in the hospital, and now I needed to do it again.
I wanted to drink it all in, I wanted to memorize every inch of her face so that I could always remember the perfectness of her features. I knew there wasn't enough Time.
I am staring "impossible" in the face again, and I will prevail.
As I held her surrounded by my sisters and took pictures that would bring so much comfort later, I marveled at the blessing it was to see and hold her again. As the day progressed, my children came, we took family pictures, held each other and cried, and then my husband requested to hold her alone. The thought had never crossed my mind. He had his tender moments, and then it was my turn.
As I marveled, cried, ached, and missed the daughter that was still in my arms. I was facing the impossible again. I needed to say goodbye. I had already in the hospital, and now I needed to do it again.
I wanted to drink it all in, I wanted to memorize every inch of her face so that I could always remember the perfectness of her features. I knew there wasn't enough Time.
It was time to say goodbye, never to have and to hold her again in this life. What is it about the impossible that makes you either rise up to the challenge or crumple under pressure? I carefully, tenderly put my daughter back in the bassinet. Her limp body that would soon be covered, never to be tenderly held by her parents for years to come.
And I walked away. The impossible was conquered again.
Time has passed. Eighteen months in fact. Last Sunday when I went to church, I thought about the overjoyed feelings I would have felt as Phoebe would finally be able to go to nursery. I would be that elated parent that no longer had to roam the halls, and would finally be able to fill her cup with some gospel instruction uninterrupted by a squirming, bored, yet adorable toddler.
Right now in my life, the winds of trial and the storms of tribulation are again beating on my family. Time very literally has gone away into some limbo land. It is no longer relative. We are facing the impossible and it is very hard.
Will I rise or will I crumple. It seems more a statement than a question for me. I have a choice whether I continue to cling to the rod, or whether I let the mists of darkness discouraged me so much that I let go. It's interesting that time is sometimes referred to as "Father Time". I have a Father who knows beginning to end. He knows how this plays out. Do I trust that I will rise to conquer the impossible again? That is my hope.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A boy
Once there was this boy who swept me off my feet, snatched me up and married me, his, forever. This boy and I had a boy together, and then another boy, and then another, until we finally received a sweet and sassy little girl. Then we got another boy. Because five was enough at the time, we wanted a little break between this one and the last. But there were other plans. We got surprised by a Girl. We got even more surprised by losing the girl.
Well yesterday we had our ultrasound to find out what the next will be. I am not a betting woman, but I would have bet money that this would be a Boy. Is it because they come in force to my family already? Is it because having another breathing little girl in my arms was too much to imagine again? Maybe its because I know how precious daughters are and I needed to take extra special care of the one I was already blessed with. I don't know. All I do know is, it was not a boy at all. We are going to have another chance to have a little girl.
The boy that swept me off my feet sat right next to my side as we watched in amazement the life on the screen. He held my hand so tightly as we wept together at the prospect of being blessed to have another little girl in our arms. I am so grateful for this boy that has been with me through every step of the journey.
Boy or girl, each are special, and I am blessed to have both.
Well yesterday we had our ultrasound to find out what the next will be. I am not a betting woman, but I would have bet money that this would be a Boy. Is it because they come in force to my family already? Is it because having another breathing little girl in my arms was too much to imagine again? Maybe its because I know how precious daughters are and I needed to take extra special care of the one I was already blessed with. I don't know. All I do know is, it was not a boy at all. We are going to have another chance to have a little girl.
The boy that swept me off my feet sat right next to my side as we watched in amazement the life on the screen. He held my hand so tightly as we wept together at the prospect of being blessed to have another little girl in our arms. I am so grateful for this boy that has been with me through every step of the journey.
Boy or girl, each are special, and I am blessed to have both.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A day in the life...
I haven't updated in a while, partly because I have been so crazy busy that life hasn't allowed it. As I reflect over the last month or so, I have thought about all of those times when angels must have attended. When the youngest needed a friend because siblings were at school and mom needed to get stuff done, and then helped my children from making impulsive dangerous decisions when mom and dad aren't around to advise.
But what about the angels that have ministered to me? I have a brother, and we've never met. He seems to speak to my spirit, things that I would never be able to formulate into words, and yet he speaks words that sing from my soul. His name is Jeffrey Holland. And the best part? He is an Apostle of the Lord. He said this about angels:
And then, Elder Holland goes on to say something more that makes my chest get tight when I think about the angels that have ministered in the flesh.
The last quote:
I know that Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven. And I have a gorgeous blessing just on the other side.
p.s. If you would like to read the article in it's entirety, you can find it here: The Ministry of Angels
But what about the angels that have ministered to me? I have a brother, and we've never met. He seems to speak to my spirit, things that I would never be able to formulate into words, and yet he speaks words that sing from my soul. His name is Jeffrey Holland. And the best part? He is an Apostle of the Lord. He said this about angels:
"Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times."It's hard sometimes to think that I am worth the attention of heavenly help, and then I think of all that is required of me. Why wouldn't I need that help? I can't do it on my own. I like to think that I have a personal angel. It sounds cliche, especially when you hear all the time "Well, she's an angel in heaven", and then you break it down. She is. And she is mine. I have felt that merciful attention. I have felt that comfort.
And then, Elder Holland goes on to say something more that makes my chest get tight when I think about the angels that have ministered in the flesh.
"I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods."What is it when you get a knowing glance or a squeeze on the shoulder that makes all your defenses go down? When someone actually cares to not accept an, "I'm fine" but really makes sure that everything really is "fine". To number the earthly angels that have come to my aid would be near impossible. I can't help but feel loved.
The last quote:
“I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, … my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”D&C 84:88 In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.”I declare to you that God is a God of miracles. The miracle was not in bringing my daughter back to life. The miracle lies in how much love he has for me to put people in my path that change my life for good. Rebecca Phoebe was one of those people for me. Apostles, family, friends, and strangers alike have lifted me and provided miracles in my life.
I know that Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven. And I have a gorgeous blessing just on the other side.
p.s. If you would like to read the article in it's entirety, you can find it here: The Ministry of Angels
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Companionship
Today was a bittersweet day for me. Today I dropped off our "youngest" off at his first day of preschool. I drove away feeling like a giddy teenager who has the car and has been given free range for a couple of hours. I put in my music, with no movie playing in the background and I made my way to the store. To shop. With no children. It promised to be relaxing.
This morning I thought of Phoebe. Not in a teary way, but in a contemplative way. As I listened to a song that will forever remind me of my daughter and my relationship to her, I felt her! I smiled and sang the song at the top of my lungs, you see, because I was alone. Now I realize, it may have been a duet.
As I got closer to the store, my emotions came more to the surface. You see, I shouldn't be alone on my precious Tues and Thurs. I should have a strapping toddler in the carseat, and Phoebe and I should have taken WalMart by storm today. Instead, I felt a glimpse of my daughter, my friend, and longed for what could have been.
But I did as I have done every time in the past, when I have to accept what happened, square my shoulders and move on, I wiped the tears away, and I went in. (shopping by myself was great, by the way... :) )
As I look back on the unexpected outburst of emotion, the feeling of companionship from my daughter, and the blessing of being by myself, I realize, I was never alone.
I had me... I had Phoebe... and I had the life within me....
Phoebe is going to be a big sister.
This morning I thought of Phoebe. Not in a teary way, but in a contemplative way. As I listened to a song that will forever remind me of my daughter and my relationship to her, I felt her! I smiled and sang the song at the top of my lungs, you see, because I was alone. Now I realize, it may have been a duet.
As I got closer to the store, my emotions came more to the surface. You see, I shouldn't be alone on my precious Tues and Thurs. I should have a strapping toddler in the carseat, and Phoebe and I should have taken WalMart by storm today. Instead, I felt a glimpse of my daughter, my friend, and longed for what could have been.
But I did as I have done every time in the past, when I have to accept what happened, square my shoulders and move on, I wiped the tears away, and I went in. (shopping by myself was great, by the way... :) )
As I look back on the unexpected outburst of emotion, the feeling of companionship from my daughter, and the blessing of being by myself, I realize, I was never alone.
I had me... I had Phoebe... and I had the life within me....
Phoebe is going to be a big sister.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
What are we do to?
Well Pheobe, remember when I was pregnant with you and I knew that you weren't the last one to come to our family? I remember feeling a little scared that maybe what had been asked of me was too much. How could I handle more than 6 kids. This was going to be a stretch as it was.
Well, as it turns out, I needed to have that thought planted in my head. When we no longer had you to take care of in this life, the thought of having our arms full again with another sweet, breathing child was too much to bear. We didn't talk about it. And yet, in the back of my mind, I knew, there was to be another.
It was hard, knowing that we needed to go through this process again, but this time with completely different glasses on. The next time, every small step would be a miracle. Even the thought of becoming pregnant would require a huge amount of faith on our part.
Again, Heavenly Father in His wisdom knew that it would be too much for us to bear trying to figure out the timing on our own. In the way that only He knew that would be best for us, we made the decision. It was time to try again.
Well, as it turns out, I needed to have that thought planted in my head. When we no longer had you to take care of in this life, the thought of having our arms full again with another sweet, breathing child was too much to bear. We didn't talk about it. And yet, in the back of my mind, I knew, there was to be another.
It was hard, knowing that we needed to go through this process again, but this time with completely different glasses on. The next time, every small step would be a miracle. Even the thought of becoming pregnant would require a huge amount of faith on our part.
Again, Heavenly Father in His wisdom knew that it would be too much for us to bear trying to figure out the timing on our own. In the way that only He knew that would be best for us, we made the decision. It was time to try again.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Is Heavenly Father building a Heavenly Army?
Okay... so the grief continues... my dearest friend lost the closet thing to an earthly daughter last week. When she called, I was in the middle of changing a messy diaper and children who were hen pecking me. After I got that all settled I could hear in her voice that something was immediately wrong. I asked and she broke down crying. She never cries if she can help it.
She explained that her goddaughter had been riding in her daddy's big rig truck playing on the bed when they came up over a big hill where a big gust of wind flipped the truck. They found her under the truck.
Leann Emily was a sweet, beautiful, vibrant young lady of six. My friend describes her beautifully on her blog here.
Why do those around me need to experience the same heart-wrenching thing that I had to go through? Do we need more heavenly help on the other side of those who have had earthly bodies to fight the unseen fight? Are my Phoebe, Katherine, and Leann protecting those that I love the most that still have to sojourn here?
My love, my prayers, and my thoughts go to my friend and her family as the struggle with the sudden stillness of their home and lives. I only wish that the Comforter will be their best friend as they navigate through the murky waters of grief and tender mercies.
I love you DeeDee!
She explained that her goddaughter had been riding in her daddy's big rig truck playing on the bed when they came up over a big hill where a big gust of wind flipped the truck. They found her under the truck.
Leann Emily was a sweet, beautiful, vibrant young lady of six. My friend describes her beautifully on her blog here.
Why do those around me need to experience the same heart-wrenching thing that I had to go through? Do we need more heavenly help on the other side of those who have had earthly bodies to fight the unseen fight? Are my Phoebe, Katherine, and Leann protecting those that I love the most that still have to sojourn here?
My love, my prayers, and my thoughts go to my friend and her family as the struggle with the sudden stillness of their home and lives. I only wish that the Comforter will be their best friend as they navigate through the murky waters of grief and tender mercies.
I love you DeeDee!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Each Life That Touches Ours For Good
A friend of mine experienced something yesterday that I would never have wished upon my worst enemy. Her sweet baby of 5 months passed away while taking a nap. There are no known causes.
When I heard the news my heart immediately broke into a million pieces all over again. My chest heaved as I listened to the same Relief Society president who had carried me through my own loss, tell me of a dear sister's in our ward tragic story.
My immediate instinct was that I needed to be at her home and I needed to be there then. I got a babysitter for my children in my very messy house and left right away. As I pulled up to her home I recognized the cars parked out front and went inside.
The rest of the day I spent at the mommy's side talking, crying, and I must admit, angry most of the time. I was angry that this had to happen AGAIN to someone else. I was angry at the road that this sweet, righteous family had ahead of them. I wanted to take it from them so that they would not have to experience all the heart wrenching sorrow that I still have to go through.
And yet, that is not the plan is it? Would I trade all the knowledge that I now have because of my little angel? No.
Oh sweet Phoebe. What a blessing you have been in my life and yet I have never heard you laugh. I have never seen you smile, or even take a breath. You know you would be walking by now. You would have joined Emily and I today as we had our "girl party" while the boys are at Father and Son's camp out. I bet you would have giggled as I gave you a balloon from the restaurant we went to. But, you get balloons all the time, don't you?! I wonder how long this pink balloon we have in our house right now will last before Emily sends it up to you to play with.
From your life that has touched mine, do you know how many women I have been able to talk with? Would I have been able to receive promptings at 8:30 tonight to call this noble woman to tell her that she CAN do all that is required of her? I know, because I had no choice and neither does she.
But what we DO have is a Father in Heaven who weeps with us both as we mourn the loss of our precious daughters. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is VERY mindful of every need of that family. I know that he desires everything in his power to give every comfort, peace, and blessing he can. What an amazing ward family (our church congregation) we have. This dear lady had several women gathered around her all day yesterday. Our very astute bishop said from the beginning that this family should not be left alone. And she wasn't.
How grateful I am again, for the knowledge that we will see our girls again.
Please keep this family in your prayers. The need all they can.
When I heard the news my heart immediately broke into a million pieces all over again. My chest heaved as I listened to the same Relief Society president who had carried me through my own loss, tell me of a dear sister's in our ward tragic story.
My immediate instinct was that I needed to be at her home and I needed to be there then. I got a babysitter for my children in my very messy house and left right away. As I pulled up to her home I recognized the cars parked out front and went inside.
The rest of the day I spent at the mommy's side talking, crying, and I must admit, angry most of the time. I was angry that this had to happen AGAIN to someone else. I was angry at the road that this sweet, righteous family had ahead of them. I wanted to take it from them so that they would not have to experience all the heart wrenching sorrow that I still have to go through.
And yet, that is not the plan is it? Would I trade all the knowledge that I now have because of my little angel? No.
Oh sweet Phoebe. What a blessing you have been in my life and yet I have never heard you laugh. I have never seen you smile, or even take a breath. You know you would be walking by now. You would have joined Emily and I today as we had our "girl party" while the boys are at Father and Son's camp out. I bet you would have giggled as I gave you a balloon from the restaurant we went to. But, you get balloons all the time, don't you?! I wonder how long this pink balloon we have in our house right now will last before Emily sends it up to you to play with.
From your life that has touched mine, do you know how many women I have been able to talk with? Would I have been able to receive promptings at 8:30 tonight to call this noble woman to tell her that she CAN do all that is required of her? I know, because I had no choice and neither does she.
But what we DO have is a Father in Heaven who weeps with us both as we mourn the loss of our precious daughters. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is VERY mindful of every need of that family. I know that he desires everything in his power to give every comfort, peace, and blessing he can. What an amazing ward family (our church congregation) we have. This dear lady had several women gathered around her all day yesterday. Our very astute bishop said from the beginning that this family should not be left alone. And she wasn't.
How grateful I am again, for the knowledge that we will see our girls again.
Please keep this family in your prayers. The need all they can.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A year later....
It has taken me a month to be able to write about Phoebe's anniversary. I must say that it was harder leading up to the anniversary than it was on the actual day.
The weather was a cold overcast and the day was promising to be busy. We got dressed in our family picture outfits and went to pick up the balloons for our 2nd annual balloon release. I couldn't help but appreciate the kids enthusiasm as we got the balloons and the breakfast to eat "with Phoebe".
I was in quiet thought most of the ride over as I contemplated life a year ago. My heart ached as I relived in my mind the shock and distress again. My heart lifted as I remembered the love and support.
When we got to the cemetery I looked for those pink popcorn trees that welcomed us last year. They were gone. My heart fell. I had been looking forward to this welcoming sight every year. Oh well.
As we arrived the kids piled out excited to get a hold of a balloon. Aaron ran around exactly like he did last year. Ammon and Tyler waited patiently. As we got ready, I was amazed at how well all the kids listened. They obediently waited until we said it was time to release the balloons. We only had one casualty. A balloon slipped away from Hyrum's hand who became quite sad. It was a good thing that Dad was prepared with another one.
As we let them go, you couldn't help but have emotion as you watched the white balloons and the solitary pink balloon float away. I am not sure why it is so moving to do that. I love being able to still give something tangible to my daughter. There wasn't a dry eye among the older ones!
While we were there, it was getting colder by the minute. We ate a quick breakfast, took a few more pictures and we were off to the rest of our day. Before we made it to the car, my eyes were caught by the pink blossoms I had looked for at the front. There was a beautiful little tree just beginning to bloom a few feet away from her grave. A tender mercy for my tender heart.
I was carried once again.
The weather was a cold overcast and the day was promising to be busy. We got dressed in our family picture outfits and went to pick up the balloons for our 2nd annual balloon release. I couldn't help but appreciate the kids enthusiasm as we got the balloons and the breakfast to eat "with Phoebe".
I was in quiet thought most of the ride over as I contemplated life a year ago. My heart ached as I relived in my mind the shock and distress again. My heart lifted as I remembered the love and support.
When we got to the cemetery I looked for those pink popcorn trees that welcomed us last year. They were gone. My heart fell. I had been looking forward to this welcoming sight every year. Oh well.
As we arrived the kids piled out excited to get a hold of a balloon. Aaron ran around exactly like he did last year. Ammon and Tyler waited patiently. As we got ready, I was amazed at how well all the kids listened. They obediently waited until we said it was time to release the balloons. We only had one casualty. A balloon slipped away from Hyrum's hand who became quite sad. It was a good thing that Dad was prepared with another one.
As we let them go, you couldn't help but have emotion as you watched the white balloons and the solitary pink balloon float away. I am not sure why it is so moving to do that. I love being able to still give something tangible to my daughter. There wasn't a dry eye among the older ones!
While we were there, it was getting colder by the minute. We ate a quick breakfast, took a few more pictures and we were off to the rest of our day. Before we made it to the car, my eyes were caught by the pink blossoms I had looked for at the front. There was a beautiful little tree just beginning to bloom a few feet away from her grave. A tender mercy for my tender heart.
I was carried once again.
Friday, April 24, 2009
One Year Ago today....
One year ago right at this moment, I was sitting in my car eating a quick breakfast. My husband called and offered to come with me to what was supposed to be a good appointment, telling me that I was in labor and we would soon hold our baby. It didn't exactly turn out as planned. That day, I found out that I would be delivering an angel instead of a baby.
Today, I plan on taking some time, by myself, to open some mementos that I very bitterly packed away. My hope this time, is to open them with a few tears but with a different perspective.
I'll admit, it was with great fear that no one would remember this time. I didn't want to grieve alone. Why do I doubt?
A few days ago, the support began. I have received two loaves of bread, cards, flowers, phone calls, emails, dinner, babysitting, and a sweet thoughtful gift from my sisters. My visiting teacher set up a massage for me today. I feel prayers are being said again on our behalf.
As I have been going through a lot of the same emotions I experienced a year ago, I am brought again to this point of being supported. It amazes me that Heavenly Father loves me enough to not leave me alone in my hour of need. Sometimes I feel as if I need to get through everything on my own and that I would be considered an unprofitable servant if I can't do it all. It is when others step in to help my inadequacies do I realize that it is okay to do the best you can and leave the rest on the table.
I don't think any of this is making any sense.... It is hard to describe the contradicting feelings that I have as I think about my daughter. My heart literally hurts, and it is hard to breathe at times. It is so painful that I have learned to not go there, often. At the same time, I see the wondrous plan of God and His hand in my life as I learn things I could not have learned before.
I have hope that one day, I will truly understand. But today,
Today, I plan on taking some time, by myself, to open some mementos that I very bitterly packed away. My hope this time, is to open them with a few tears but with a different perspective.
I'll admit, it was with great fear that no one would remember this time. I didn't want to grieve alone. Why do I doubt?
A few days ago, the support began. I have received two loaves of bread, cards, flowers, phone calls, emails, dinner, babysitting, and a sweet thoughtful gift from my sisters. My visiting teacher set up a massage for me today. I feel prayers are being said again on our behalf.
As I have been going through a lot of the same emotions I experienced a year ago, I am brought again to this point of being supported. It amazes me that Heavenly Father loves me enough to not leave me alone in my hour of need. Sometimes I feel as if I need to get through everything on my own and that I would be considered an unprofitable servant if I can't do it all. It is when others step in to help my inadequacies do I realize that it is okay to do the best you can and leave the rest on the table.
I don't think any of this is making any sense.... It is hard to describe the contradicting feelings that I have as I think about my daughter. My heart literally hurts, and it is hard to breathe at times. It is so painful that I have learned to not go there, often. At the same time, I see the wondrous plan of God and His hand in my life as I learn things I could not have learned before.
I have hope that one day, I will truly understand. But today,
I miss her.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A ticking time bomb
The anniversary is drawing closer and closer. I feel like I have boxed most of my emotions into a nice little package. When I open it, what am I going to have? Will it be a box of grief and strong emotion, or will it be a bittersweet experience that I will get through. One of my favorites songs has this lyric, "I know that time brings change, and change takes time" I remember being so angry that I had to let time pass before I could heal, change. Have I changed? Absolutely. I have I changed for the better? I hope so.
What does my box have in store for me? Only our Father in Heaven knows. Am I scared? Yes. Will you do me a favor? If you can spare a moment, pray that I will again be lifted off my feet, even for a small moment, to be able to rest in His love, and know that I am being watched and cared for.
I look forward to Easter. A time where I realize the magnitude of what Heavenly Father really did sacrifice, and what Christ really did. It makes me realize, am I greater than He? How grateful I am for the plan of happiness, even as I travel through vales of sorrow. I am blessed.
What does my box have in store for me? Only our Father in Heaven knows. Am I scared? Yes. Will you do me a favor? If you can spare a moment, pray that I will again be lifted off my feet, even for a small moment, to be able to rest in His love, and know that I am being watched and cared for.
I look forward to Easter. A time where I realize the magnitude of what Heavenly Father really did sacrifice, and what Christ really did. It makes me realize, am I greater than He? How grateful I am for the plan of happiness, even as I travel through vales of sorrow. I am blessed.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
11 months
Today marks 11 months ago that I found out my life would be changed forever. All day I have "walked" in my mind where I was 11 months ago. As I re-read her blog today, I realized I never explained how we came up with Rebecca Phoebe for her name.
As we went in to deliver the baby, we still did not know whether it was a girl or a boy. I found it interesting as I was re-reading what I had written, I came to the part about all the decisions we needed to make. One of it was what we were going to name the baby. I began to think why we didn't feel like the name we had chosen if it was a girl, wasn't the right one. Looking back on it, I didn't even consider changing the boy name that we had. We only knew that we needed to come up with another girl name. I had rolled around Rebecca in my head and Phoebe as well, but never came up with the two together. I remember that it was Martin that put the two together. Neither of us had really brainstormed out loud that day to figure out the name. As soon as Martin said it, I knew. She was to be called, Rebecca Phoebe.
After we decided on her name and delivered her, we always spoke of her as Rebecca Phoebe. Then when we went home, and we finally had our little family surrounding us, we had to explain what happened. Martin had a lot more emotional energy than I, so he took over the talking to the children. As he was talking, he naturally began speaking of her as Phoebe. My eyes caught Jessica's. She nodded as if she had just caught on. From that moment on, we generally refer to her as Phoebe.
Sometimes Aaron just likes to say her first name. He gets this sweet look on his face and says, "Mom, I am thinking about Rebecca." It kinds of catches me off-guard, but I can understand where he is coming from.
How interesting, isn't it, that the Spirit, unbeknown to us at the time, was whispering that we needed to come up with a girl name. Inspiration struck, and now we have the perfect name, for our perfect daughter.
Today, I just miss her. My heart aches as I go through this process, but again, realize how far I have come. This too shall pass, and at last, I will see, hold, smell, and love my sweet baby again. I just have to be patient...
As we went in to deliver the baby, we still did not know whether it was a girl or a boy. I found it interesting as I was re-reading what I had written, I came to the part about all the decisions we needed to make. One of it was what we were going to name the baby. I began to think why we didn't feel like the name we had chosen if it was a girl, wasn't the right one. Looking back on it, I didn't even consider changing the boy name that we had. We only knew that we needed to come up with another girl name. I had rolled around Rebecca in my head and Phoebe as well, but never came up with the two together. I remember that it was Martin that put the two together. Neither of us had really brainstormed out loud that day to figure out the name. As soon as Martin said it, I knew. She was to be called, Rebecca Phoebe.
After we decided on her name and delivered her, we always spoke of her as Rebecca Phoebe. Then when we went home, and we finally had our little family surrounding us, we had to explain what happened. Martin had a lot more emotional energy than I, so he took over the talking to the children. As he was talking, he naturally began speaking of her as Phoebe. My eyes caught Jessica's. She nodded as if she had just caught on. From that moment on, we generally refer to her as Phoebe.
Sometimes Aaron just likes to say her first name. He gets this sweet look on his face and says, "Mom, I am thinking about Rebecca." It kinds of catches me off-guard, but I can understand where he is coming from.How interesting, isn't it, that the Spirit, unbeknown to us at the time, was whispering that we needed to come up with a girl name. Inspiration struck, and now we have the perfect name, for our perfect daughter.
Today, I just miss her. My heart aches as I go through this process, but again, realize how far I have come. This too shall pass, and at last, I will see, hold, smell, and love my sweet baby again. I just have to be patient...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
In the air....
Has it really been almost two months since I have written? How can I recall the uprising of peace or the plunging of grief over the past few months? As I see the buds on the trees amid the warm and cold days, I seem to find myself pulled to this same time of year last year. The anticipation of a little one to come. The challenge of parenting six sweet children. The joy to hold another sweet child fresh from a home where there was no harm or hurt. A place where peace prevails and where you can be held tenderly by those hands that created you. How I grew accustomed to being called mother by my five children and how I looked forward to hearing it once again by a sweet voice that I had a part in creating.
Recently, I have felt especially close to the Spirit, and to Heavenly things. But you know, it's interesting. As I seem closer to heaven, my heart yearns for my daughter who is now in that Heaven. I desire to have and to hold her again. Those few moments were precious and too brief. I find myself on a crusade to learn all I can, to be worthy of feeling heaven often.
I won't lie, I often find myself lately having tears spring to my eyes, my chest heaves as I sob and remember what happened almost a year ago. I cry, the same heart wrenching cries where I feel like my heart is going to burst and that there is no comfort to be had. And then, like before, I am tenderly wrapped up in the mercy of His love, and am reminded, that I am not alone. Does that take away the grief and sorrow? No. Does that mean that I will not continue to grieve my daughter? Never. It just means that I have angels surrounding me, weeping with me. It means that sometimes its okay to not be the strong one all the time. I can become that daughter to Him that holds my daughter now and relinquish my pride to Him that can succor all.
I will see her again. I will hold her again. I will sing to her again. I will see my husband hold her in his arms again, with the look of adoration and love that he once had. I will hear that private lullaby that he sung to her, only this time with a smile instead of heart breaking tears.
This is my quest, and I will not fail.
I found this on a blog from someone who just lost their sweet daughter. For me, these words sum up how I feel. It's to the tune of "I am a Child of God".
I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.
I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.
I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.
--Donna Kulliard
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.
I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.
I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.
--Donna Kulliard
Monday, January 26, 2009
Progress
These last few months I have been growing up. Almost like Wendy leaving Neverland, I've had to learn how to get back in the real world.
I have learned that it's okay to be happy and that's it's okay to be sad. More importantly, I kept telling myself that I was still grieving deeply, and I have, yet somehow, I wouldn't let myself believe that I really was making progress. That I really was accepting that I had once carried a sweet baby for a time, and now have a heavenly angel instead. I AM making progress.
I wish I could relay to you all that I have learned. I wish I could express in some form how much I have now come to realize how much in control my Father in Heaven is.
I have 90% of Phoebe's scrapbook completed. It is a bittersweet thing to work on for me. I want to finish it so that I can have some closure and yet at the same time, this is all I will ever have to do. As I was going through pictures on my computer, I noticed that some didn't get printed off. It was almost as if I was given another opportunity to have something else to "do" for my daughter. I am really pleased with the way the scrapbook has turned out and have felt very guided as I've made it.
There have been many things that have been instrumental in helping me progress. I have the support of my family and friends. I still have the support of my ward... they are amazing! Since the eve of my daughter's funeral I have been listening to Mindy Gledhill's "The Sum of All Grace" what a HUGE blessing this has been in my life. Many times her lyrics have started me thinking of certain things that I need to either have faith in, to remember, or to even learn more about.
I have an opportunity to meet her. I am so excited! But dinner is done, dad is home, so I will tell you more about it later!
I have learned that it's okay to be happy and that's it's okay to be sad. More importantly, I kept telling myself that I was still grieving deeply, and I have, yet somehow, I wouldn't let myself believe that I really was making progress. That I really was accepting that I had once carried a sweet baby for a time, and now have a heavenly angel instead. I AM making progress.
I wish I could relay to you all that I have learned. I wish I could express in some form how much I have now come to realize how much in control my Father in Heaven is.
I have 90% of Phoebe's scrapbook completed. It is a bittersweet thing to work on for me. I want to finish it so that I can have some closure and yet at the same time, this is all I will ever have to do. As I was going through pictures on my computer, I noticed that some didn't get printed off. It was almost as if I was given another opportunity to have something else to "do" for my daughter. I am really pleased with the way the scrapbook has turned out and have felt very guided as I've made it.
There have been many things that have been instrumental in helping me progress. I have the support of my family and friends. I still have the support of my ward... they are amazing! Since the eve of my daughter's funeral I have been listening to Mindy Gledhill's "The Sum of All Grace" what a HUGE blessing this has been in my life. Many times her lyrics have started me thinking of certain things that I need to either have faith in, to remember, or to even learn more about.
I have an opportunity to meet her. I am so excited! But dinner is done, dad is home, so I will tell you more about it later!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
An update
I guess I kind of let that last post hanging a little bit... Sorry about that! When I visited my family it was crazy but wonderful! I did have plenty of tears but not the kind that I was expecting. What I shared with my sisters when they came to be my angels on earth is not something that I can really explain. A bond has been forged that can never be broken. They were with me every step of the awful horrible way. One helped me say goodbye to my baby's earthly body, another did so many loads of laundry, watched my kids, grieved AND held me up all at the same time! They both filled places in me that couldn't have been filled any other way.
My trip was a great healing, learning, loving trip that filled a lot of anxiety that I didn't know was built up. As I began to relax little by little, I was able to let me grief come and go as often as needed. My sister who wrote the poem to the right had always felt it was a song. For the last few months she composed and wrote the most gorgeous song ever. The only one she has ever written. I don't know how my sister-in-law or my sister even got to the end of the song when they performed it for us, but I do know this. Not only was the Spirit very strong in the room, but I felt my daughter's spirit very strongly as well.
What a blessing it was to reconnect with my family. I wish we had all members there to reconnect but time and circumstances will someday allow that, I'm sure.
Thank you for all of your love and support. I can still feel your prayers and thank you for them!!
My trip was a great healing, learning, loving trip that filled a lot of anxiety that I didn't know was built up. As I began to relax little by little, I was able to let me grief come and go as often as needed. My sister who wrote the poem to the right had always felt it was a song. For the last few months she composed and wrote the most gorgeous song ever. The only one she has ever written. I don't know how my sister-in-law or my sister even got to the end of the song when they performed it for us, but I do know this. Not only was the Spirit very strong in the room, but I felt my daughter's spirit very strongly as well.
What a blessing it was to reconnect with my family. I wish we had all members there to reconnect but time and circumstances will someday allow that, I'm sure.
Thank you for all of your love and support. I can still feel your prayers and thank you for them!!
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