Today was a bittersweet day for me. Today I dropped off our "youngest" off at his first day of preschool. I drove away feeling like a giddy teenager who has the car and has been given free range for a couple of hours. I put in my music, with no movie playing in the background and I made my way to the store. To shop. With no children. It promised to be relaxing.
This morning I thought of Phoebe. Not in a teary way, but in a contemplative way. As I listened to a song that will forever remind me of my daughter and my relationship to her, I felt her! I smiled and sang the song at the top of my lungs, you see, because I was alone. Now I realize, it may have been a duet.
As I got closer to the store, my emotions came more to the surface. You see, I shouldn't be alone on my precious Tues and Thurs. I should have a strapping toddler in the carseat, and Phoebe and I should have taken WalMart by storm today. Instead, I felt a glimpse of my daughter, my friend, and longed for what could have been.
But I did as I have done every time in the past, when I have to accept what happened, square my shoulders and move on, I wiped the tears away, and I went in. (shopping by myself was great, by the way... :) )
As I look back on the unexpected outburst of emotion, the feeling of companionship from my daughter, and the blessing of being by myself, I realize, I was never alone.
I had me... I had Phoebe... and I had the life within me....
Phoebe is going to be a big sister.
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Oh Bec, I don't know if you read these comments or not, and I don't want to get too personal on here but just last night my son and I had a very indearing talk about his older brother. He mentioned that he can feel him at night when he's scared or worried. That comment put so much peace in my heart. Our loved ones live on! They come to us when we need them. There are always with us. This blog is so great for you to explore those feelings and so creatively express them. I wish know I had known about blogging when I lost our son. (typing is so much quicker than long handing it for me, I haven't done too well with the journaling.) Perhaps I will start one, so my kids can feel closer to the brother they never got to meet.
ReplyDeleteThanks dear friend. You are in my prayers always.
I am so glad that in your tears and sad moment you could know that Phoebe was and is with you in Spirit! She loves you so much and I am sure always wants you to know that she is watching over you...you are her precious mother! She is going to be a big sister and we are so excited for you. I am sure she is rejoicing in Heaven knowing that she is going to be a big sister!
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