Not sure what to say (caution: might be hard to read)

I'm not sure what to say.  My heart is tender.  My heart aches.  My heart yearns.  There is nothing magical that comes to my mind on what I should write about, other than the fact that I miss my daughter.  I miss her companionship.

Sunday will be two years.  It seems like yesterday I was in labor with her with that excitement built up inside me with anticipation.  Then the news that she was gone. I still remember how cold she was to hold.  I still feel on my arm where here head rested.  I hated how cold she was.  It made me angry.  But now I am grateful.  It is almost like she has imprinted there, never to be forgotten.

Two years later, I am no longer the same person I was before she left.  I hope that it is change for the better, sometimes its hard to tell.  At first, I felt stripped of all happiness.  Any sense of security I felt was stripped from me.  I could no longer function as a mother, wife, sister, friend.  I was brought to the dust, but I knew I had to rise again for the sake of those I still had to care for.

It   was  so   hard.

Time has healed a lot.  I remember wanting to go from the point I was at, point A, and wanting to skip to point Z.  I wanted to say "no thank you" to all of the grief in between.  But I knew that wasn't possible so I kept putting one foot in front of the other.  I have made it this far, so I guess that's a good sign that I can continue.

For once I don't want to be the "strong one".  Why can't I be held and rocked and comforted?  I thought the trial of my life would be Phoebe's passing, but rains keep falling.  If I get too ahead of myself, I start to panic.  This mountain I am called to climb is too steep if I look all the way to the unseen summit.  So I will do like I have done before.

Trust.

Love.

Wait.

And Trust some more.

One step enough for me.