We had a beautiful afternoon. The skies parted for the brief time we were there. I will write about it when I have the strength. For now, here's a few pics....
Friday, April 30, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tonight
Tonight, I was folding loads and loads of laundry.
Tonight, you were so active in my tummy that you made it so your dad and I were very aware that you were there.
Tonight, I knew that I was in labor.
Tonight, I knew that I would see you the next day.
Tonight, I told your dad to kiss my tummy because you were so busy.
Tonight, he did just that.
Tonight, it was very hard to fall asleep. I finally did.
Tonight was my last night with your soul with mine.
Sleep well, my sweet.
Tonight, you were so active in my tummy that you made it so your dad and I were very aware that you were there.
Tonight, I knew that I was in labor.
Tonight, I knew that I would see you the next day.
Tonight, I told your dad to kiss my tummy because you were so busy.
Tonight, he did just that.
Tonight, it was very hard to fall asleep. I finally did.
Tonight was my last night with your soul with mine.
Sleep well, my sweet.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Not sure what to say (caution: might be hard to read)
I'm not sure what to say. My heart is tender. My heart aches. My heart yearns. There is nothing magical that comes to my mind on what I should write about, other than the fact that I miss my daughter. I miss her companionship.
Sunday will be two years. It seems like yesterday I was in labor with her with that excitement built up inside me with anticipation. Then the news that she was gone. I still remember how cold she was to hold. I still feel on my arm where here head rested. I hated how cold she was. It made me angry. But now I am grateful. It is almost like she has imprinted there, never to be forgotten.
Two years later, I am no longer the same person I was before she left. I hope that it is change for the better, sometimes its hard to tell. At first, I felt stripped of all happiness. Any sense of security I felt was stripped from me. I could no longer function as a mother, wife, sister, friend. I was brought to the dust, but I knew I had to rise again for the sake of those I still had to care for.
It was so hard.
Time has healed a lot. I remember wanting to go from the point I was at, point A, and wanting to skip to point Z. I wanted to say "no thank you" to all of the grief in between. But I knew that wasn't possible so I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I have made it this far, so I guess that's a good sign that I can continue.
For once I don't want to be the "strong one". Why can't I be held and rocked and comforted? I thought the trial of my life would be Phoebe's passing, but rains keep falling. If I get too ahead of myself, I start to panic. This mountain I am called to climb is too steep if I look all the way to the unseen summit. So I will do like I have done before.
Trust.
Love.
Wait.
And Trust some more.
One step enough for me.
Sunday will be two years. It seems like yesterday I was in labor with her with that excitement built up inside me with anticipation. Then the news that she was gone. I still remember how cold she was to hold. I still feel on my arm where here head rested. I hated how cold she was. It made me angry. But now I am grateful. It is almost like she has imprinted there, never to be forgotten.
Two years later, I am no longer the same person I was before she left. I hope that it is change for the better, sometimes its hard to tell. At first, I felt stripped of all happiness. Any sense of security I felt was stripped from me. I could no longer function as a mother, wife, sister, friend. I was brought to the dust, but I knew I had to rise again for the sake of those I still had to care for.
It was so hard.
Time has healed a lot. I remember wanting to go from the point I was at, point A, and wanting to skip to point Z. I wanted to say "no thank you" to all of the grief in between. But I knew that wasn't possible so I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I have made it this far, so I guess that's a good sign that I can continue.
For once I don't want to be the "strong one". Why can't I be held and rocked and comforted? I thought the trial of my life would be Phoebe's passing, but rains keep falling. If I get too ahead of myself, I start to panic. This mountain I am called to climb is too steep if I look all the way to the unseen summit. So I will do like I have done before.
Trust.
Love.
Wait.
And Trust some more.
One step enough for me.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Reflection
Savannah on top, Phoebe below
I have always had a hard time seeing who my new little ones looked like. Some would say that Savannah looks like my oldest, others would say Savannah has her own look.
I was looking at her one night when she was fast asleep wondering who she resembles. And then it came to me. I had been looking for an earthly resemblance forgetting, if possible, that she had another sibling. As soon as I cleared my eyes, I saw her. I saw Phoebe in Savannah's reflection.
It is a bittersweet thing to see Phoebe in her. In a great way, it is a blessing because I can get a sneak peek of what Phoebe will look like when I get to raise her in the next life. In another way, it makes my heart ache with the reminder that she isn't here.
I truly feel like Savannah, Phoebe, and Emily are all really good friends. I love to see Savvy look at Emily with eyes that can see heavenly things with the expression of: I love you! I missed you! Phoebe sends her love. I feel it. I can see it. And I ache to see the three together.
We are coming up on two years. Two years of many ups and downs since. I find myself again, like last year, not really wanting to think about the upcoming anniversary. I am grateful that my physical arms are not empty. That I can nurture another little spirit. I am grateful that I have been blessed with children. I am grateful for the reflection I see in Savannah's face. One of peace, love, contentment, and joy. I am grateful I still get to see my Phoebe on a daily basis. Even if it is by the means of a precious sister.
I was looking at her one night when she was fast asleep wondering who she resembles. And then it came to me. I had been looking for an earthly resemblance forgetting, if possible, that she had another sibling. As soon as I cleared my eyes, I saw her. I saw Phoebe in Savannah's reflection.
It is a bittersweet thing to see Phoebe in her. In a great way, it is a blessing because I can get a sneak peek of what Phoebe will look like when I get to raise her in the next life. In another way, it makes my heart ache with the reminder that she isn't here.
I truly feel like Savannah, Phoebe, and Emily are all really good friends. I love to see Savvy look at Emily with eyes that can see heavenly things with the expression of: I love you! I missed you! Phoebe sends her love. I feel it. I can see it. And I ache to see the three together.
We are coming up on two years. Two years of many ups and downs since. I find myself again, like last year, not really wanting to think about the upcoming anniversary. I am grateful that my physical arms are not empty. That I can nurture another little spirit. I am grateful that I have been blessed with children. I am grateful for the reflection I see in Savannah's face. One of peace, love, contentment, and joy. I am grateful I still get to see my Phoebe on a daily basis. Even if it is by the means of a precious sister.
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