Rebecca Phoebe was born silent on April 25, 2008. At the doctor's, I found no heartbeat and knew that while in labor, my angel was taken back. This blog is here for the benefit of me to write the tender things of my heart. It is also here for those that need to know they are not alone in whatever they have been called upon to bear.

If you are new to the blog, please start with " My Story".

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Chair

I had a unique experience, one that I never thought would be recreated.  My son's friend had a beautiful, quiet, strong mother who died of cancer.  She wasn't very old and left three small sons.  My heart ached as I watched the youngest one bury his head into his father's neck as he walked in the funeral procession into the chapel.  Tears instantly sprang into my eyes as I looked into what his future might behold. 

I had Savannah with me along with my son.  It was hard enough going to the funeral, but I had been to this place before.  I had my own bittersweet tears here.  I had come back for the first time to the place where I got to hold my precious baby again. 

Savannah was hungry and I knew I needed to find a place to feed her.  Did I dare go back to that sacred room where I held my sweet baby for the last time, with my arms now full with a warm, breathing baby? 

I took courage and went to the office determined not to cry (ahem, I know I was a little delusional).  Tears came anyway, as I explained my situation.  "May I please sit in the room where I once held my daughter.  Would you mind?" 

"Which room was it?" the man asked.

"I would recognize it by sight," was my reply. 

I walked down the hall, immediately recognizing the room.  All the furniture was the same.  All the details didn't seem any different, and yet there was something different.  A certain glow was missing from the room.  The anticipation of seeing my baby again wasn't there.  The feeling that I had just entered a sacred, heavenly place was no longer there.  It was just a room.

A weird mixture of emotion welled up inside as I struggled to keep Savannah happy enough just so I could breathe in the room again. 

And then I saw the chair.  The chair where I once held my baby, with a smile on my lips.  With a constant desire to want to warm up her frozen skin.  In that chair, I cradled, I whispered, I rocked, I cried. 

I then sat in the chair with my hungry, needy baby and I cradled, I whispered, I rocked, and I cried. 

2 comments:

  1. What a special moment to share. Thank you. I'm so glad you did that. Phoebe is never far away. I feel that she was happy to share that place with Savannah. As all our family holds a special place in our heart for the last place we held our precious blessing.

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  2. So special. So sacred. What wonderful experience, Bub!

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