Firefly

 

One night I came home to  my sister's house where we are staying for the summer and I saw something that I haven't seen for many, many years.  Little explosions of light illuminating from the trees.  So quick, and so small were these little lights that it almost seemed like my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I stared in wonder and then ran down the hill to the backyard where the rest of my kids were already running around trying to catch a firefly.  I had one of those moments where I take a virtual picture in my mind.  A moment that I never want to forget.  I heard the squeals of delight and saw the wonder on the faces of my children.

As I watched them, I reflected on these fireflies.  How would I know that they were there if not for the impression of light that they gave?  If they didn't shine even briefly, I would never know of their presence.  

I have wished so many times, since the time I said my earthly goodbye, to just see her one more time.  To know that she is there and not just a far away memory.  And yet, I reflect on the small and impressive light that she continues to shine in my life and in others as well.  I know she is there but I can't always see her.  It's almost as if she is on the other side peeking through the veil whispering words of encouragement or of comfort giving me those small flecks of light. 

I am grateful for the experience(s) that my daughter has given me.  I feel more full of light because of what this whole process has taught me.  What a reunion it will be when I can have her in my arms again.  Until then, I will keep my eyes open for the little flashes of light that let me know she is close.

Still processing...

Phoebe's angel day was last week.  It was a beautiful day.  The sun has been shining so much lately which makes it easy to feel happy.  Her anniversary was more sweet than bitter this year.  I am still processing my thoughts and the annual slide show.  I came across this pictures of my girls and couldn't help but share it.  

Long time coming

Oh this has been a long time coming.  How many times have you been on my mind and I desperatly wanted to get these feelings, these words out of me and into this journal in the hopes that you just might get a sense of how I have been feeling. 

The short and sweet of it.  I miss you.  We took family pictures a little while ago.  It was perfect.  The weather was astounding.  The kids looked awesome and behaved even better.  The photographer was one of my most favorite people and the location was to die for. I knew it was going to turn out perfectly. 

As your Dad and I were looking through the pictures we couldn't help but miss you terribly.  We were sitting on a hill surrounded by your siblings.  And then it was just the kids.  In so many pictures there was a perfect place for you.  Do you see it?

I took pictures with just Savannah and me.  Just like the ones that I took with Emily at that age.  The light shone perfectly on us as the boys had wandered off.  Each one caught so much of her personality and I loved the twinkle in our eyes. 

Oh how I wish that I could have the same with you!  What would have been like to have you squirming in my arms anxiously trying to explore the world around you!  Did you know that Savvy's eyes are turning green?  They were blue, just like yours, would yours have changed too?

I feel you a lot.  Sometimes I think how foolish I am, that it is just my imagination and then I forget that you are here.  With all that I am called on to bear, you are one of the elite that are sent to watch over my little flock.  I feel you when there is that pure joyful moment when the siblings are laughing and playing.  I see you in the corner of my eye as I do my chores in the quiet of the night. 

I wish that I could see your face one more time.  To know that you are really a person and not a dream that happened nearly 4 years ago.  You seem to good to be true and then my heart springs the ache that has become all too familiar.  That ache still comes when I hear a newborn cry or when someone comes when they complain of "unnecessary" doctors appointments. How about the times when the movie reel comes back into my mind of the night I held you.  That was heaven.  I knew that you were gone, but the veil had never been so close. 

You know, time really is a healer.  I hated to hear that so soon after you passed.  I wanted time to move faster because I hated the way I felt.  I have learned so much from you and yet we have never spoke.  You make me want to be a better person, to be a better example, to share the good news that is mine. 

Phoebe, what I am trying to say, is that while you are not here physically with me, I cherish every time my mind flits to you and I feel you fill in that missing whole during our family times.  I look forward to our family reunion when we can take that family picture where we are not missing one.  I miss you terribly.  Hugs and kisses to you.

Love,
mom

My Girls