Rebecca Phoebe was born silent on April 25, 2008. At the doctor's, I found no heartbeat and knew that while in labor, my angel was taken back. This blog is here for the benefit of me to write the tender things of my heart. It is also here for those that need to know they are not alone in whatever they have been called upon to bear.

If you are new to the blog, please start with " My Story".

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Companionship

Today was a bittersweet day for me. Today I dropped off our "youngest" off at his first day of preschool. I drove away feeling like a giddy teenager who has the car and has been given free range for a couple of hours. I put in my music, with no movie playing in the background and I made my way to the store. To shop. With no children. It promised to be relaxing.

This morning I thought of Phoebe. Not in a teary way, but in a contemplative way. As I listened to a song that will forever remind me of my daughter and my relationship to her, I felt her! I smiled and sang the song at the top of my lungs, you see, because I was alone. Now I realize, it may have been a duet.

As I got closer to the store, my emotions came more to the surface. You see, I shouldn't be alone on my precious Tues and Thurs. I should have a strapping toddler in the carseat, and Phoebe and I should have taken WalMart by storm today. Instead, I felt a glimpse of my daughter, my friend, and longed for what could have been.

But I did as I have done every time in the past, when I have to accept what happened, square my shoulders and move on, I wiped the tears away, and I went in. (shopping by myself was great, by the way... :) )

As I look back on the unexpected outburst of emotion, the feeling of companionship from my daughter, and the blessing of being by myself, I realize, I was never alone.

I had me... I had Phoebe... and I had the life within me....

Phoebe is going to be a big sister.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What are we do to?

Well Pheobe, remember when I was pregnant with you and I knew that you weren't the last one to come to our family? I remember feeling a little scared that maybe what had been asked of me was too much. How could I handle more than 6 kids. This was going to be a stretch as it was.

Well, as it turns out, I needed to have that thought planted in my head. When we no longer had you to take care of in this life, the thought of having our arms full again with another sweet, breathing child was too much to bear. We didn't talk about it. And yet, in the back of my mind, I knew, there was to be another.

It was hard, knowing that we needed to go through this process again, but this time with completely different glasses on. The next time, every small step would be a miracle. Even the thought of becoming pregnant would require a huge amount of faith on our part.

Again, Heavenly Father in His wisdom knew that it would be too much for us to bear trying to figure out the timing on our own. In the way that only He knew that would be best for us, we made the decision. It was time to try again.