Uh-oh... I feel like I am building up to another brief (hopefully) meltdown. I have noticed lately that I function fairly well for a while, then it hits me again, I have INTENSE emotion for a while, lots of tears included, and then I push it away and function again. This month her anniversary is on Christmas Eve. It's a bittersweet time for me. I am doing really well at the moment at not thinking about what it would be like to have a little baby and celebrate their very first Christmas. It's hard to imagine how life would be like if I did have another little one. Part of the shock when we first lost her was that we had no time to prepare. I had my whole life wrapped up in what it would be like to have six sweet children and then it was stripped from me. Now that I have tried to adjust to the "new normal", because you have to, sometimes I wonder if I really could have handled six kids so close together.
The reason why I am scared to have another meltdown is because I often like to sit at home, do nothing but listen to my "Phoebe" music, cry, look at pictures and basically become a basketcase. Then I pick myself back up, put on a happy face and face the world. I am scared because I have the awesome opportunity to visit my family for 12 days with lots of cousins and fun included. I just don't want to have a meltdown there! Say a little prayer for me that I can hold on through it.
Sometimes it just stinks!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Things that make you go hmmmm.....
There are a couple of things that have been rolling around in my mind that I keep telling myself that I will hopefully never forget. Then it occurred to me. Blog it, then I don't have to worry about remembering!
About a week ago, while we were getting ready for dinner, our oldest son asked very sweetly, "When are we going to have another baby? I want another sibling." Thinking that was very sweet, I asked him, "Are you ready to have another sibling?" He replied very matter-of-factly, "I want to beat the world record of 69 children [born to one woman]." Ahh... okay... You gotta love him!
While I was at the dentist the other day, we were waiting in line to check out. There was a woman in front of us that looked pregnant. Emily, was sitting on a chair about 4 feet in front of me and asks me very sweetly, "Mom, what happened to the baby that was in your tummy? When did it come out? Where did it go?" I told her that I would tell her more in a little bit. The following morning as we were cutting out snowflakes together, I remembered her question. I asked her if she remembered what she asked me the day before about the baby that was in my tummy. She said yes, and kind of scrunched up her nose. She like to do that when she is really trying to get a point across, or to understand. I explained to her that the baby that was in my tummy was Phoebe. She furrowed her eyebrows and then they shot up as she realized what I had just told her. She said, "Oh, I never knew that!".
The thing about Emily and Phoebe, is that you just get the sense that they ARE best friends. The fact that Emily has had this connection with her when she didn't even realize that Phoebe was the baby in my tummy and yet she has this huge love for her is apparent.
I can't wait for the day when these two sisters will be reunited again to laugh, play, and pretend together. Angels do in fact still visit the earth. They may still be in the flesh, or they may be just beyond our natural eyes. Either way, I am grateful for my little angels. Seen, or unseen.
About a week ago, while we were getting ready for dinner, our oldest son asked very sweetly, "When are we going to have another baby? I want another sibling." Thinking that was very sweet, I asked him, "Are you ready to have another sibling?" He replied very matter-of-factly, "I want to beat the world record of 69 children [born to one woman]." Ahh... okay... You gotta love him!
While I was at the dentist the other day, we were waiting in line to check out. There was a woman in front of us that looked pregnant. Emily, was sitting on a chair about 4 feet in front of me and asks me very sweetly, "Mom, what happened to the baby that was in your tummy? When did it come out? Where did it go?" I told her that I would tell her more in a little bit. The following morning as we were cutting out snowflakes together, I remembered her question. I asked her if she remembered what she asked me the day before about the baby that was in my tummy. She said yes, and kind of scrunched up her nose. She like to do that when she is really trying to get a point across, or to understand. I explained to her that the baby that was in my tummy was Phoebe. She furrowed her eyebrows and then they shot up as she realized what I had just told her. She said, "Oh, I never knew that!".
The thing about Emily and Phoebe, is that you just get the sense that they ARE best friends. The fact that Emily has had this connection with her when she didn't even realize that Phoebe was the baby in my tummy and yet she has this huge love for her is apparent.
I can't wait for the day when these two sisters will be reunited again to laugh, play, and pretend together. Angels do in fact still visit the earth. They may still be in the flesh, or they may be just beyond our natural eyes. Either way, I am grateful for my little angels. Seen, or unseen.
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