Butterfly

On Sunday I cried.  I cried for the Spirit that touched mine as tender voices spoke their simple yet profound testimonies of the Savior and how they are children of God, the Creator of heaven and earth, and our personal Father of our Spirits. 


It was when your class sang a song that already reminds me of you when I wept.  I saw those sweet five year old little girls singing their sweet pure voices, "Whenever I hear the song of a bird, or look at the blue, blue sky..." I imagined you up there sitting and maybe squirming in your seat trying to stay reverent for the long hour.   I longed to see you up there.  I bet you were. 

It's been a while since I have written to you.  A lot has happened in this last year, but you already know that.  I have been continuing to hang on to this bumpy road called life, and have been appreciative of all the little things that remind me of you.  When I think of you, it reminds me of heaven, the place I want to be. It reminds me to broaden my horizon and think about the bigger picture. 

I want time to move faster.  I want to know what comes after this next chapter in my life.  I want closure.  I want... I want...  I want...  I want a lot of things, but ultimately, what I really want is to do what is right.  To be obedient to God's commandments and watch the blessings flow into my life because of it. 

I have had the privilege of being on the receiving end of some very choice blessings, one of them being you.  Sometimes I wonder if it was all a dream.  To have the chance to have the veil so thin that I could almost reach up and part it with my fingers and then on the other side of it, to experience the intense, breathtaking heartbreak that only death can bring.  But I guess that is why we are here, to experience the bitter so we can know how to savor the sweet. 

Can you believe how incredible your siblings are?  Sometimes I sit back in awe at the strength and capabilities that they possess and then I get overwhelmed with the responsibility that I have to be their mother, to teach them correct principles so that they could govern themselves.  Do you think they realize how much I love them despite my imperfections?  Do you think they really know how grateful I am for the atonement of Jesus Christ that allows me to not be alone in my sorrows, grief, pain, and sin?  How can one really know that you have "taught" enough? I suppose I know that answer.  It is a never-ending road that leads to gaining knowledge.  I will continue to lead by example even if that example isn't perfect.

Remember when I was running on the back roads of Georgia this summer, and I had the miraculous intervention that saved me from those vicious dogs?  I was starting out on my next run more scared to have another one of those close calls.  I was almost a mile into my run and I saw the monarch butterfly.  I immediately thought of you.  Since then I see that brilliant yellow orange butterfly and often it is at a time when I need to lift my gaze to an eternal perspective and get my mind out of the gutters of the world.  

I thank you for all of the times that you are with me and my mortal eyes don't see you.  I thank you for those times when an angel is what I need to help with things that heaven only knows is going on in my life.  I thank you for the constant reminder that you are to keep my eyes gazing at the "blue blue sky".  I thank you for allowing me to be your mother, even if it was for nine earthly months.  I miss you terribly but I am grateful for the things that allow us to be close, even if it is in the flight of a butterfly.