Coincidence?

Is it a coincidence that I found myself painting in what would have been Phoebe's room on the same day that I ended up seeing Princess on Ice? The last time I went there or painted her room was with Emily and Phoebe still in utero. For some reason I don't have too many pictures of me pregnant with Phoebe. I look at those pictures over and over again remembering what it was like to have Phoebe connected to me with an earthly presence. I remember trying to make room with both girls on my lap because I had a sleepy little Emily.

Three years are coming up soon. Time doesn't seem relative to the experience I had with my earthly little angel. I don't have much of a memory as my children can attest to, but I have such concrete memories of meeting my silent little lady.

I remember what it was like seeing her for the first time. Not knowing if she was a boy or a girl, but knowing deep down inside that I was carrying a daughter of God. I remember bringing her right into my chest willing some magic power to breathe life into her again. I have in my mind how painful it was to have her little body rising up and down with mine with every shallow breath that I took, thinking that there was still life within her. Hoping, believing that just maybe she would open her eyes. Just once.

There are so many things that I wish I could have had just once. A look, a cry, a smile, a laugh, a hug, a first prayer, a first step, a first accomplishment. How about the first day of school or a play date or dress up with sister or a bike ride with her brothers.

Bottom line. I was not ready to let my one experience to be to hold her for a few hours and then say goodbye. I remember staying up very late the night before the funeral, thinking of how crazy it was that I was not going to be getting more rest before a highly emotionally charged day. My whole perspective changed as I realized that there would never be a wedding or graduation. There would never again be a reason to stay up till all hours of the night to get something ready for Rebecca Phoebe. This was my one chance and I wasn't going to take a moment of it for granted.

As I continue to reflect on the experience that it was to say an early goodbye and bury my daughter I have a taste of what it must have been like for Eve to not be able to comprehend an opposite until you taste of fruit that thrusts you out of the garden and into the pain of life. I have tasted the bitter fruit of death and the sweet taste of new life. I am beginning to see already.