One Year Ago today....

One year ago right at this moment, I was sitting in my car eating a quick breakfast. My husband called and offered to come with me to what was supposed to be a good appointment, telling me that I was in labor and we would soon hold our baby. It didn't exactly turn out as planned. That day, I found out that I would be delivering an angel instead of a baby.

Today, I plan on taking some time, by myself, to open some mementos that I very bitterly packed away. My hope this time, is to open them with a few tears but with a different perspective.

I'll admit, it was with great fear that no one would remember this time. I didn't want to grieve alone. Why do I doubt?

A few days ago, the support began. I have received two loaves of bread, cards, flowers, phone calls, emails, dinner, babysitting, and a sweet thoughtful gift from my sisters. My visiting teacher set up a massage for me today. I feel prayers are being said again on our behalf.

As I have been going through a lot of the same emotions I experienced a year ago, I am brought again to this point of being supported. It amazes me that Heavenly Father loves me enough to not leave me alone in my hour of need. Sometimes I feel as if I need to get through everything on my own and that I would be considered an unprofitable servant if I can't do it all. It is when others step in to help my inadequacies do I realize that it is okay to do the best you can and leave the rest on the table.

I don't think any of this is making any sense.... It is hard to describe the contradicting feelings that I have as I think about my daughter. My heart literally hurts, and it is hard to breathe at times. It is so painful that I have learned to not go there, often. At the same time, I see the wondrous plan of God and His hand in my life as I learn things I could not have learned before.

I have hope that one day, I will truly understand. But today,

I miss her.

A ticking time bomb

The anniversary is drawing closer and closer. I feel like I have boxed most of my emotions into a nice little package. When I open it, what am I going to have? Will it be a box of grief and strong emotion, or will it be a bittersweet experience that I will get through. One of my favorites songs has this lyric, "I know that time brings change, and change takes time" I remember being so angry that I had to let time pass before I could heal, change. Have I changed? Absolutely. I have I changed for the better? I hope so.

What does my box have in store for me? Only our Father in Heaven knows. Am I scared? Yes. Will you do me a favor? If you can spare a moment, pray that I will again be lifted off my feet, even for a small moment, to be able to rest in His love, and know that I am being watched and cared for.

I look forward to Easter. A time where I realize the magnitude of what Heavenly Father really did sacrifice, and what Christ really did. It makes me realize, am I greater than He? How grateful I am for the plan of happiness, even as I travel through vales of sorrow. I am blessed.