11 months

Today marks 11 months ago that I found out my life would be changed forever. All day I have "walked" in my mind where I was 11 months ago. As I re-read her blog today, I realized I never explained how we came up with Rebecca Phoebe for her name.

As we went in to deliver the baby, we still did not know whether it was a girl or a boy. I found it interesting as I was re-reading what I had written, I came to the part about all the decisions we needed to make. One of it was what we were going to name the baby. I began to think why we didn't feel like the name we had chosen if it was a girl, wasn't the right one. Looking back on it, I didn't even consider changing the boy name that we had. We only knew that we needed to come up with another girl name. I had rolled around Rebecca in my head and Phoebe as well, but never came up with the two together. I remember that it was Martin that put the two together. Neither of us had really brainstormed out loud that day to figure out the name. As soon as Martin said it, I knew. She was to be called, Rebecca Phoebe.

After we decided on her name and delivered her, we always spoke of her as Rebecca Phoebe. Then when we went home, and we finally had our little family surrounding us, we had to explain what happened. Martin had a lot more emotional energy than I, so he took over the talking to the children. As he was talking, he naturally began speaking of her as Phoebe. My eyes caught Jessica's. She nodded as if she had just caught on. From that moment on, we generally refer to her as Phoebe. Sometimes Aaron just likes to say her first name. He gets this sweet look on his face and says, "Mom, I am thinking about Rebecca." It kinds of catches me off-guard, but I can understand where he is coming from.

How interesting, isn't it, that the Spirit, unbeknown to us at the time, was whispering that we needed to come up with a girl name. Inspiration struck, and now we have the perfect name, for our perfect daughter.

Today, I just miss her. My heart aches as I go through this process, but again, realize how far I have come. This too shall pass, and at last, I will see, hold, smell, and love my sweet baby again. I just have to be patient...

In the air....

Has it really been almost two months since I have written? How can I recall the uprising of peace or the plunging of grief over the past few months? As I see the buds on the trees amid the warm and cold days, I seem to find myself pulled to this same time of year last year. The anticipation of a little one to come. The challenge of parenting six sweet children. The joy to hold another sweet child fresh from a home where there was no harm or hurt. A place where peace prevails and where you can be held tenderly by those hands that created you. How I grew accustomed to being called mother by my five children and how I looked forward to hearing it once again by a sweet voice that I had a part in creating.

Recently, I have felt especially close to the Spirit, and to Heavenly things. But you know, it's interesting. As I seem closer to heaven, my heart yearns for my daughter who is now in that Heaven. I desire to have and to hold her again. Those few moments were precious and too brief. I find myself on a crusade to learn all I can, to be worthy of feeling heaven often.

I won't lie, I often find myself lately having tears spring to my eyes, my chest heaves as I sob and remember what happened almost a year ago. I cry, the same heart wrenching cries where I feel like my heart is going to burst and that there is no comfort to be had. And then, like before, I am tenderly wrapped up in the mercy of His love, and am reminded, that I am not alone. Does that take away the grief and sorrow? No. Does that mean that I will not continue to grieve my daughter? Never. It just means that I have angels surrounding me, weeping with me. It means that sometimes its okay to not be the strong one all the time. I can become that daughter to Him that holds my daughter now and relinquish my pride to Him that can succor all.

I will see her again. I will hold her again. I will sing to her again. I will see my husband hold her in his arms again, with the look of adoration and love that he once had. I will hear that private lullaby that he sung to her, only this time with a smile instead of heart breaking tears.

This is my quest, and I will not fail.

I found this on a blog from someone who just lost their sweet daughter. For me, these words sum up how I feel. It's to the tune of "I am a Child of God".

I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.


I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.


I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.


--Donna Kulliard