Progress

These last few months I have been growing up. Almost like Wendy leaving Neverland, I've had to learn how to get back in the real world.

I have learned that it's okay to be happy and that's it's okay to be sad. More importantly, I kept telling myself that I was still grieving deeply, and I have, yet somehow, I wouldn't let myself believe that I really was making progress. That I really was accepting that I had once carried a sweet baby for a time, and now have a heavenly angel instead. I AM making progress.

I wish I could relay to you all that I have learned. I wish I could express in some form how much I have now come to realize how much in control my Father in Heaven is.

I have 90% of Phoebe's scrapbook completed. It is a bittersweet thing to work on for me. I want to finish it so that I can have some closure and yet at the same time, this is all I will ever have to do. As I was going through pictures on my computer, I noticed that some didn't get printed off. It was almost as if I was given another opportunity to have something else to "do" for my daughter. I am really pleased with the way the scrapbook has turned out and have felt very guided as I've made it.

There have been many things that have been instrumental in helping me progress. I have the support of my family and friends. I still have the support of my ward... they are amazing! Since the eve of my daughter's funeral I have been listening to Mindy Gledhill's "The Sum of All Grace" what a HUGE blessing this has been in my life. Many times her lyrics have started me thinking of certain things that I need to either have faith in, to remember, or to even learn more about.

I have an opportunity to meet her. I am so excited! But dinner is done, dad is home, so I will tell you more about it later!

An update

I guess I kind of let that last post hanging a little bit... Sorry about that! When I visited my family it was crazy but wonderful! I did have plenty of tears but not the kind that I was expecting. What I shared with my sisters when they came to be my angels on earth is not something that I can really explain. A bond has been forged that can never be broken. They were with me every step of the awful horrible way. One helped me say goodbye to my baby's earthly body, another did so many loads of laundry, watched my kids, grieved AND held me up all at the same time! They both filled places in me that couldn't have been filled any other way.

My trip was a great healing, learning, loving trip that filled a lot of anxiety that I didn't know was built up. As I began to relax little by little, I was able to let me grief come and go as often as needed. My sister who wrote the poem to the right had always felt it was a song. For the last few months she composed and wrote the most gorgeous song ever. The only one she has ever written. I don't know how my sister-in-law or my sister even got to the end of the song when they performed it for us, but I do know this. Not only was the Spirit very strong in the room, but I felt my daughter's spirit very strongly as well.

What a blessing it was to reconnect with my family. I wish we had all members there to reconnect but time and circumstances will someday allow that, I'm sure.

Thank you for all of your love and support. I can still feel your prayers and thank you for them!!