Uh-oh

Uh-oh... I feel like I am building up to another brief (hopefully) meltdown. I have noticed lately that I function fairly well for a while, then it hits me again, I have INTENSE emotion for a while, lots of tears included, and then I push it away and function again. This month her anniversary is on Christmas Eve. It's a bittersweet time for me. I am doing really well at the moment at not thinking about what it would be like to have a little baby and celebrate their very first Christmas. It's hard to imagine how life would be like if I did have another little one. Part of the shock when we first lost her was that we had no time to prepare. I had my whole life wrapped up in what it would be like to have six sweet children and then it was stripped from me. Now that I have tried to adjust to the "new normal", because you have to, sometimes I wonder if I really could have handled six kids so close together.

The reason why I am scared to have another meltdown is because I often like to sit at home, do nothing but listen to my "Phoebe" music, cry, look at pictures and basically become a basketcase. Then I pick myself back up, put on a happy face and face the world. I am scared because I have the awesome opportunity to visit my family for 12 days with lots of cousins and fun included. I just don't want to have a meltdown there! Say a little prayer for me that I can hold on through it.

Sometimes it just stinks!