Time

Time has marched on.  Sometimes fast and furious and sometimes crawling minute by minute.  While blogging about my experience with Phoebe provided a deeply cathartic way to remember, to grieve, to talk, and smile, life took on a new life of its own about a year and half later.  I found myself a single parent to my 6 earthly children.  While this blog has served as something singular to me and my journey with stillbirth, it was just the beginning of a time that would make or break me.

I am beginning to think that I was in need of a true heavenly being that was not confined to a mortal body that could be my helpmeet on the other side.  There have been moments when looking back, lives were spared, safety was ensured and hearts with consoled because of Phoebe.  Believe it or not, my daughter that I miss so intensely is not gone.  She has been with me providing a very important mission, part of that is to help me and the load that I have carried in the recent past.

As I have been coming up on her 7th anniversary of her angel day, I have reflected on how much has changed.  Some kids have doubled in size!  One has made an entrance and left Phoebe's side and made it to mine.  Most anniversaries I found myself struggling with my emotions and putting on a brave face for the kids because I was handling it all alone.  I didn't want the world to see the extra burdens I was carrying because this blog after all was for Phoebe, not for the lamenting of someone who keeps getting the life kicked out of her.

Amidst all of the turmoil that kept happening in my life I did have all these moments and more that I have already written down.  Sweet, sweet, little moments would enter in and pierce the dark haze that was hanging over my life.  Heaven would part for a split moment and I would feel her love and support.  It kept me hanging on.

Fast forward to yesterday, I heard from my now 10 year old daughter who was 3 1/2 at the time of Phoebe's passing.  She started doing a happy dance and said "Tomorrow is Phoebe's birthday, tomorrow is Phoebe's birthday!"  Her birthday for the children has taken on a new meaning, a day of family tradition.  They may never understand the grief that is behind every smile, the healing that happens when I see them happy, and the intense longing to still have her with me.  But it is as it should be.  I feel I must have done my job right then.  Victory has been won over the grave.  Death has no sting.  Christ has ensured that we will see her again.  They know it.  I know it.

It has been interesting going back and reading this blog, a tradition of mine to remember and to grieve.  Reading some of the words and looking at some of the pictures don't hold the same meaning anymore.  I have been reflecting on what that means.  Maybe it's because I am changed from the person I was 7 years ago.  I have been shaped, molded, tapped and heated in an intense refiners fire since.  While every thing I wrote in the past was truly how I felt I am looking to the future with new perspective.

If you wouldn't mind, reader, I would like to update more.  I would like to maybe add on the "rest of the story."  It will be mingled with thoughts and memories of my sweet Little One however I am catching a vision of how I can continue Phoebe's story.  My story.  Stay tuned...

Happy Angel Day Sweet One.